First, I found out on Tuesday that I got a job! It’s part time (30 hrs/wk) and the pay is less than what I wanted, but, it’s a job. Considering my unemployment runs out in July – I HAD to do something. So, I start on Monday. The job is here in Greenville, so that’s a huge plus (considering my car is ready to blow up at any given moment).

Second, I received a phone call from my mortgage company…they apparently were able to get me a re-modification of my loan. Supposedly the paperwork is in the mail – I have no idea what it says, or if it’s even going to be anything we can agree to/afford.

Third, I had a Realtor come over yesterday and appraise my house – we might consider a ‘short sale’ – just to avoid foreclosure.

Right now – so many things are up in the air. I just keep waiting for something to FALL down on my head and render me unconscious. I’m really not sure exactly what to do – Jason and I discuss and talk, talk and discuss. We have options, that’s for sure, but it’s just so hard knowing what the right choices are.

I’m so grateful for all my friends and family – so many people have stepped up to the plate and just BEEN there for me. Listening to me rant and rave, helping me with groceries, tossing work our way. I feel truly blessed.

In closing, I had a very nice surprise yesterday, too. Hilaree’s best friend’s dad (got that?) sent over 6 luscious chocolate-covered strawberries for me. Why? Because I got a job and he thought I needed to celebrate. I was so touched by this. I called to thank him and he said “You always do such nice, wonderful things for others, I wanted to do something for you”. I was floored. Sure, I “do” things for others, but not for glory or for gratitude. I do them because they NEED to be done.

The timeline is as follows:

Fall 2005 – my sister and I make the decision to move my dad into a Nursing Home. His Alzheimer’s has become a serious problem and no one is able to care for him anymore. We find a ‘local’ home in Greenville, so that he will be close to us, and move him down here in September.

January 2006 – the Nursing Home Manager calls to tell us that we have 3 days to find dad a new home. He is no longer welcome there because he has become violent. We search and search and finally get him set up in the Alzheimer’s Unit at Pine Rest. To the tune of $9000/month. We had been paying $2500/month. We start applying for Medicaid for him which takes FOREVER and makes me absolutely HATE red tape.

February 2006 – Dad falls out of bed and winds up in St. Mary’s Hospital. Looks horrible – so bad that I can barely stand to look at him. He’s not my dad anymore, just this shell of my hero. He cannot talk, he cannot eat, he’s wearing diapers. It’s awful. My heart breaks because I can’t FIX anything and I can’t stand to see him this way.

March 2006 – Dad passes away with his loved ones by his side. I watched him struggle to take his last breath. I feel my heart break into a million little pieces and I know I will never be the same. We hold a memorial for him – it is standing room only. Tears flow freely from many eyes.

April 2006 – We begin the process of taking over dad’s estate in Brethren. A HUGE long, drawn out and painful process. We sell a cabin and use the profits to renovate a house, then sell that. By the fall, my sister and I have enough money to each put nice down payments on our first homes.

November 2006 – I purchase my home in Greenville. LOVE IT! Nice subdivision, great neighbors, and a beautiful home.

December 2006 – I finally graduate from Cornerstone University w/ my Bachelor’s in Management. My grandpa Reckow dies 2 days after Christmas.

April 2007 – I lose my job at CCWMI. Thankfully I start a new position in June at WZZM.

June 2007 – I am an idiot and get pulled over after drinking. I get a DUI, hire an attorney and wind up with an OWI. I am put on probation for 2 yrs, and wind up spending about $5000 when all is said and done. Will NEVER ever drink and drive again.

August 2007 – I meet Jason (who later becomes my husband) on a ‘blind’ date set up by my best friend and her husband. We begin dating.

September 2007 – Jason gets a DUI. It’s his 2nd offense. Things go from bad to worse, as he spends $2500 to hire an attorney who will ‘be able to get the charges dismissed’…only to wind up in jail instead. He loses his job in Manistee and moves to Greenville, thankfully landing a job shortly thereafter.

May 2008 – Jason and I get married on 5/23/08 in St. Ignace and honeymoon in the UP.  Third time is a charm

June 2008 – I lose my job at WZZM due to ‘corporate downsizing’.

September 2008 – Jason loses his job.

November 2008 – begin a “moratorium” with Wells Fargo with lower payments for 4 months.

January 2009 – Jason starts a new job with the ‘promise’ of being hired in full-time. He is let go after 60 days. We apply for ‘assistance’ from the state of MI…only to find out that we make ‘too much money on unemployment’ to qualify for anything.

February 2009 – the “moratorium” is over and we begin the remodification process.

May 2009 – Jason and I go to Mackinaw City and Mackinac Island with Tracy & Clyde, our best friends. We have a wonderful time and probably the best vacation we’ll have for a long time coming. We learn what it’s like to have true friends through thick and thin.

June 2009 – I receive notice that my house is going to be sold at a Sheriff’s Sale on 7/16. I am still without work, as is Jason. We don’t have enough money most months to buy groceries, and we are behind on every other bill we have except our credit cards and car payments.

So, here I sit today…scared. Can’t sleep at night because I wake up from nightmares that ‘someone’ comes to my house in the middle of the night to kick me out of my house. I worry about my daughter, I worry about my self-esteem. I’ve gained a ton of weight and I’m suffering from the worst depression I’ve ever felt. I pull out of my funk every now and then, but it’s only temporary. I feel like I’m at the bottom of a really deep well and even though I can see sunshine at the top – I simply can’t reach it. I don’t know when I’ll get another job. I don’t know where I’ll be spending my next Christmas. I hate dealing with all of this crap, and it tests my faith daily.